The photo shoot...

So, my totally wonderful and talented friend Trish Finfer and I had an agreement that when I lost 100 pounds that she would take some professional pictures of me...well, I've reached and passed my first goal and here are some of my favorites that she took.  I felt like a real model...and I liked it! :)  I hope that you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed taking them.  Thanks Trish!  I love you! 

Baby Step 3 - I eat cheat meals...

This is very important - for a sound mind and body.  I know that it seems counter-productive to do this.  Why, if you're trying to lose weight would you allow yourself to eat the very foods that got you that point?  Well, for me, once I stopped eating those uber rich, totally unhealthy fast food and totally full of cheesey goodness foods...and then I went back to eating them my body was like WTF?!  No, seriously, since I wasn't eating like this all of the time my body could actually feel the food in my body.  It could feel that this was not "good for me food" and it would respond...and not in a good way. 

My stomach would get totally bloated and I would feel lethargic and I just didn't feel good at all, and over time I began to hate that feeling and I just kind of stopped eating those foods.  But honestly those cheat meals really did save me from going over the edge.  It was very hard to stop eating those foods, but knowing that I could eat them at least one day at week kept me sane, and that is really what the "cheat meal" is all about. 

So, go ahead and allow yourself to have one once a week...all you want for that one meal.  Since it will not be a forbidden food the luster for it will go away...over time.  I just didn't make eating like that the rule anymore and it somehow helped me to rid myself of them.  I'm very grateful that my trainer actually suggested that and it worked, because it would have been hard for me to accept that I couldn't eat those foods anymore...AWESOME! 

Baby Step 2 - I started eating right...out with the old and in with the new.

You know this was probably the hardest step that I had to take.  I mean, how can one change their eating habits overnight?  One day I was eating an entire large pizza with a vat of ranch dressing and the next day I was eating baked chicken breasts, with broccoli and brown rice!  And honestly I hated it...at first!  How could I give up my FAVORTIE food in the world?! 

Well, it was hard at first, but once I started eating right and then I would go back to eating pizza or any kind of fast food my body just didn't like it...at all! 

This was a slow process for me, but over time I've come to enjoy the healthier food options because of how it makes me feel.  Junk food just doesn't do it for me anymore...it lost its appeal and luster! 

Plus it allowed me to find healthier ways to make my favorite foods.  It is amazing how much better pizza tastes when you use good ingredients.  I will add some of my recipes and daily food diaries soon. 

I would highly recommend The Eat Clean Diet book...it taught me a lot about eating.  If you set your mind, you can make those changes...you just have to really want it! 

Stress...

Ahhhh stress...it can get the best of us...The past 2 weeks I was under a lot of stress which threw me off of my routine.  I do not like being stressed because of that reason!  I need to become better at managing that, but sometimes it because overwhelming.  There were some good things that happened and some not so good things that happened. 

Well, the not so good things first...
1 - my workouts went right out the door.  I worked out 4 times in the past 2 weeks.  I was very tired at night and pretty much if I don't work out in the morning I'm not going to workout. 
2 - I slacked some on my eating. 

Here is the good...
1 - I did manage to workout 4 times in the past weeks, and then today I got back in the gym. 
2 - Even though my eating was not good all of the time, I didn't overeat like I would have in the past such as taking out an entire large pizza, 2 liter of soda and a pint of ice cream.  It was more like eating good and then having some cookies and a few pieces of cake.  Yes, a few pieces.  This past Saturday at a potluck I had a piece of lemon cake and a piece of ice cream cake...I KNOW!!!  They were both good, in taste, but probably not the best thing to eat.  And I waited until the end of my 2 weeks before the "bad eating" came out. 

Now, I'm back to eating well.  The only thing with eating bad is that my body starts to crave the "bad" stuff, so I don't keep it at home. 

The bottom line here is that just because I made some not so healthy choices for myself over the weekend that does not mean that I've lost everything that I've worked for and that I have to "throw in the towel" on what I'm currently working on. It is okay that that happened.  I was probably due for it anyway.  The important thing is that it has been recognized and dealth with! :) 

Baby Step 1 - Asking for help...

I asked for help...Yes, I did.  I know that a lot of people may perceive asking for help as a sign of weakness, but it actually is a sign of strength.  We humans were not meant to live our lives alone, we are naturally social beings; however, things in our lives may cause us to isolate and think that "we can do things on our own."  That is what happened to me.  I always ate my food in isolation because I was ashamed of what I was doing and as long as no one saw me doing it, then it was "okay", only problem was that I hated living that way.  So, I was finally ready to do something about it and I asked for help...

I was a former high school and college athlete and I thought I knew it all...but the reality of it was that I had no direction, so I was just spinning my wheels.  I needed someone to help me figure things out...I needed structure.  I hired a personal trainer who helped me get moving and started me on a better eating track than I had been on.  She gave me a plan and was someone that I was accountable to, and that really helped me out.  If you want to get a personal trainer do some research to find out their style of training and accountablitiy.  Make sure that they know if you have any problems with knees, back, etc., and make sure that they take that into account when putting together your training program.  I have bad knees so my trainer worked around those problems that I have. 

It really is okay to ask people for help...when someone helps you or when you help someone it also helps them and will help you too.  I know it's scary to reach out to people, so start with someone that you trust, someone that has walked the path before you...and you will be amazed at what can come from it. 

Life in the Fast Lane...

So, as I grew up so did fast food joints.  They were popping up everywhere and in a time of needing things right now, families, including mine, were going through the drive-thrus like crazy!  Burgers and fries were on the menu and soon became the "fast-food" item to eat.  YUMMY!  I loved my burgers and fries and anything else that was full of fat and deep-fried!  They were so good and you could have one in your hand in a matter of seconds!  Only problem with that was that after everyone else was done with their burger they went on with their day, and I just wanted another burger...

My obsession for food increased and I wanted to eat more and more.  I LOVED fast food places because I could get all of the food I wanted and fast!  I would eat in the car and all the way home.  Then I would get ready to "feast" on all of the other food that was left in my bags.  This was NOT good for someone who loved to eat food and lots of it. 

Fast food was really my only source of food.  I ate it all the time and it sure did show in how I looked.  I ate burgers and fries, pizza, anything that they offered I ate it.  If it was grilled or had too many veggies, I probably wasn't going to eat it and I didn't.  I drove from fast-food place to fast-food place getting only the things I wanted to eat from there...and let me tell you I was truly ashamed of that...!  Why in the hell was I doing that?  Honestly I didn't know...I was just obsessed with food and with eating it.  I didn't even enjoy it...I would just eat and eat and eat...sometimes I would eat so much that I would get sick, but I felt so bad about all of the food that I ate that I would just eat more.  One time I ate pizza buffet for lunch AND dinner...CRAZY! 

Well, after years of eating like that I was beyond unhealthy.  One would think that if you ate all of that food that you wouldn't be malnorished, but I totally was!  Quanity of food does not equal quality of food.  I really just didn't eat anything good for me.  Well...I take that back.  When I would have my breaks from fast food dining I would eat healthy...well, that was actually just my new diet.  Somehow, thank God, I didn't get diabetes or high blood pressure or any other preventable disease. 

Over time I have lost my "taste" for fast food and rarely eat it.  It's really good, because now if I eat something that is not that healthy my body lets me know...immediately! 

Baby steps...

Since I've lost weight, a lot of people ask me what I did to lose all that weight?  The problem is once I tell them..."working out and eating right"...I get "the look" from them.  Usually making sure that I didn't leave out some magic potion or big "secret" to losing weight.  This is the same look that I, myself, used to give to people who had success losing weight. 

What I discoverd is that it is not easy and that there were a lot of sacrifices that I had to make and ultimately the FULL lifestyle change that I needed to have in order to start achieving my goals.  I also discovered that this is not an overnight thing.  I could not drink some juice and wake up at my ideal weight.  I had to work for it, and what I mean by that is that I HAD to be willing to make a lifestyle change...

I had to change everything that I did when I was overweight and it is not easy, so I've worked to not be so hard on myself if I don't workout or if I eat more of and/or something that I shouldn't have eaten.  I had to tell myself that I have spent the last 30 years eating this way or not exercising all the time, and it was going to take time to change my behavior and my habits.  And trying to change everything at once, especially being as overweight and out of shape as I was WAY to much to do all at once. 

YES...I wanted to lose all of my weight NOW!  In my own experience making smaller changes overtime helped me develop lasting habits that I still do today and that have helped me succeed in my weight-loss journey.  Here are some things that I did to help me lose weight...

Baby Step 1 - I asked for help...it realized that I really needed help. 


Baby Step 2 - I started eating right...out with the old and in with the new. 


Baby Step 3 - I eat cheat meals...this is very important - for a sound mind and body. 


Baby Step 4 - I exercise...moving my body farther than from the couch to the fridge was needed. 

It is simple but not easy...changing my lifestyle was hard and I struggled with it at first and some days I still struggle with it.  But over time it has become easier.  I bounce back faster when I don't workout or don't eat right.  The point is I kept moving forward.  There are ALWAYS going to be bumps in the road, setbacks and road blocks, but it's what you do next that shows your committment to your new lifestyle.  If I would have given up on myself when I first started because I "messed up" then I wouldn't be sitting here today 109 pounds lighter...I just got back up and did "the next right thing...", and so can you.  Just decide how you want to live your life today...

Getting back up...

You know everytime I started a "diet" and I would get off track I would just blow everything off!  If I started strong on Monday and on Wednesday I would eat something that wasn't on my "diet plan", then I would just say, "well, I guess I'll just start over again on Monday...!"  Then I would proceed to eat and eat and eat everything in sight, until Monday came around...only by then I had convinced myself that I would not be able to stay on this new "diet" because it was too hard or this or that...basically excuse after excuse and I would "give up" and go back to feeling sorry for myself.  This cycle went on for a very long time and I hated it! 

The problem wasn't the diet...it was me!  After a long time of doing that I realized that I was the problem.  I didn't want to do the work to change my lifestyle.  That is what this is really all about...a lifestyle change, not going on a diet.  Diets do not work unless you are willing to change your entire lifestyle.  That is what I finally had to learn, and it took a long time to get to that point.  I could not half-ass change my lifestyle and be able to achieve my goals...I had to make a full lifestyle change. 

What did I do...???

Well, I did a lot of things. 

1 - I stopped making excuses and started taking responsiblity where I needed to.  I had gotten myself to where I was and no one else did.  No one came and put all of that food in my mouth and made me eat it.  I'm the one that drove myself to all of those fast food restaurants and ate all of that food.  And it was a lot of food...trust me on that. 

2 - I started eating better a quality of food.  I started cooking and eating at home and making better choices when I was eating out. 

3 - I started moving - exercise was a MUST for me!  I love it!  I had to find something that I really liked, that would be the only way that I was able to stick to it.  If I don't like doing something I am not going to continue to do it...it is just not going to happen.  I have proven that to myself over and over again. 

4 - I started loving myself for who I was and am today.  I would not have been able to have the success that I've had unless I had that love for myself.  I couldn't wait until I hit my goal to love myself...loving myself today is what is leading me to my goal.  That had to come first.  I am worth good things and so are you!  Believe that you are and it will happen. 

5 - When I get off track I pick myself back up and do the next right thing.  I can not be perfect 100% of the time...who can?  No one, and if you can only do this if you are "perfect" then you will fail everytime...that is what I did for so long.  If I got off track, even for a meal, then I would blow everything off.  That is a part of the process...that is how you learn what you can and can not do with this. 

I had to believe in myself, even when I didn't want to...fake it until you make it!  I finally started believing it and the weight started to come off and I started to love myself...it is such a great feeling. 

Love yourself...because even when I was at my thinnest I didn't like myself, and it showed because I was never happy with anything AND I ended up gaining all my weight back PLUS an extra 110 pounds.

This is where I would have two Josh Groban songs playing in the background..."Believe" and "You Raise Me Up"... if for nothing else dramatic effect...HA! 

You can do this if you believe that you can...you really can, I promise...

Before and after pictures...

Here are several pictures of me...I hate looking at them, but they are totally a part of who I was.  I had to go through all of that to get to where I'm at today...

This picture was taken in 2006.  Aren't my pants styling???

As you can see I didn't lose much weight in 2007...

And I didn't lose much weight in 2008...

Here is my picture as of August 2010 - 108 pounds lighter and so healthy...YAY!!!

The hard part...

Changing all of the habits that I had created over time came very easy at first...why you might ask?  Well, because it was all new to me.  I was working out with a personal trainer, someone that I could be accountable too, and I lost 14 pounds in the first 4 weeks, not too bad for someone who was unable to lose any weight...then all of a sudden...dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNN!!!  The newness of it all started to wear off, and I wasn't doing was I was supposed to.  My trainer would email me "send me your food journals, I haven't received your food journals...etc., etc., etc..." and this went on for a while because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing and I was ashamed of that.  Then I would get all excited about it again and go full force until I hit another mental road block.  I didn't know what to do.  All of these emotions started to come up for me and I just started eating more...I managed to lose about 44 pounds in 6 months, but after I stopped working with her I gained back all but 23 of that.  I didn't want to go back, but I didn't know how to move forward. 

I would get on my own kicks...working out and eating right...I got up to 51 pounds lost, only to gain most of it back...then I got up to 60 pounds lost, only to gain back half of that.  This went on from January 2008 - when I first started working with my trainer - until August 2009.  I was always so crushed when the weight started to return...and then would sink into the whole "I guess this is my destiny...to be morbidly obese for the rest of my life..." ~sigh~ 

Then in August 2009 things started to change for me...a FULL lifestyle change was in the making.  I quit smoking and drinking and started exercising and eating right.  I still started to realize my own self-worth and continued to make the necessary changes to make the lifestyle change.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was really on a path of true self discovery.  I didn't know the person that I could be or am today was going to emerge.  I just figured that losing weight would have brought me the happiness that I so longed for. 

What brought me happiness was working on myself from the inside out.  And today being able to look at myself in the mirror with love and compassion have made this journey totally worth it.  A little over a year ago I couldn't do that, but today I can!  A wonderful friend of mine gave me a quote that reads "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance" ~Oscar Wilde~  It is so true...so true...

The acceptance...

You know for a long time when I was morbidly obese I had tried almost EVERY diet known to man.  When none of them worked I began to slowly "accept" that this was just how my life was going to be.  I was going to be morbidly obese for the rest of my life...not able to wear cute clothes, a bikini or not feel completely out of breath while walking to my car.  I had been defeated...and I was so sad about that!  I could not and would not accept who I was at that time. 

Well one day I was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired!  I got some help and began to realize my own self-worth!  It was not what was on the outside that was causing me all of my sadness and pain, it was how I felt on the inside that was doing it.  Remember way back when I mentioned self-hatred?  Well, that is what it was all along...my self-hatred had taken over any good feelings that I had about myself.  I was desperate and wanted to make a change, because I just couldn't go on living the way that I was living.  It took a lot of work for me to look on the inside for my happiness, because I always wanted to associate my happiness by the way I looked on the outside. 

I had to let go of a lot of past hurts and old ideas in order for feelings of self-love to come in.  I had to realize where I was and continue to realize where I am TODAY, and that I can not wish myself a certain size or weight, and that I have to WORK for it!  And I LOVE working for it and working hard for it, because just how my obesity was of my own doing, so is my quest to be super healthy!  It makes it all worth it.  The fun and pain of getting to where I am today is the one of the best parts of all of this. 

Once I let go of my fears and started to accept and love the person that I am today, things changed.  Everyone will get there in their own time and the sad part is that some people may never get there at all.  It took 30 years of living that way before I was willing to make those changes...but I'm here now, and I can't wait to see what what other things will happen for me. 

The struggle...

I truly have struggled with my weight my ENTIRE life!  In high school I was overweight and guys did not want to date the overweight girl.  I continued to be called names and with the introduction of Sea World, I began being called Shamu.  I will never forgot walking through the crowded halls during one of my high school years to have some guy yell out to everyone, "Move out of the way!  Here comes SHAMU!"  Everyone laughed, but inside I died a little bit more that day...

I hated how I looked and I hated how I felt...and the only thing I did was eat more food to "comfort" myself.  I was sabatoging myself, without even knowing it!  And I was allowing myself to be "taught" by everyone else - magazines, movies, friends, classmates, that what was on the outside was more important and valuable than what was on the inside.  And that is how my self-hatred began... 

After my junior year in high school I lost about 60 pounds.  I showed up to school with my new body, but I was still the same person inside, a girl who wanted so badly to be accepted for how she looked, not who she was.  The diet I went on to get my new body was crazy!  I could only eat 800 calories a day.  I measured out all of my food.  I would go to bed hungry, but I was getting skinny and that's all that mattered to me.  The down side of that is that I became so obsessed with being thin that I found myself only eating a packet of peanut butter crackers and a Hawaiian Punch, once a day.  But hey, I was skinny...

It is amazing what lengths we will go to, to achieve that "look" that we want.  The only problem was that the way I felt about myself didn't change, even though my body did...so, it didn't matter whether I was overweight or skinny, my mind still responded to things in the exact same way.  I didn't know how to deal with either side of the coin...and my confusion with diet vs. lifestyle change would take a long time to finally get...over the next several years of my life I gained 170+ pounds and a whole lot of shame and guilt...

The early years...

I feel like I started my life out as a normal kid.  I had long, curly hair that my mom would put up in pony tails, 2 on either side of my head or one in the back, and always braided, with those great yarn ribbons and plastic headbands from the 70s and 80s.  I was styling back in the day!  I soon knew that something was different...I used to be eye level with most kids and then all of a sudden all I could see was the top of everyone's head.  I was growing, and growing at a pretty fast pace. 

When we took our class pictures, the photographer would ask who was the tallest and all of the little kids would point up at me, and I was...usually like a head taller than everyone else.  I hated my height growing up, because it made me different, and really different.  It's not like a Jan Brady wig, it was my body, getting taller and taller, which seemed by the minute. 

Not only was I getting taller, but my body was starting to "change" and I was only 7!  OMG!  What in the hell was going on?!  I was soooooooooooo different than everyone else, and to tell you the truth...I hated it...

Somewhere around 8 or 9 years old I discovered the comfort of food...ahhhh...food, my new friend.  It would never make fun of me for being tall or looking different.  It was always there for me...tacos, fried chicken, cereal by the bowl(s), you name it I was eating it.  What I didn't know at the time was that my new "friend" would later in life become my arch enemy. 

After discovering food all I wanted to do was eat and eat and eat.  I would eat so much food and was at the point that I was completely out of control with it and would obsess about it at every waking moment.  When was I going to eat, what was I going to eat and how much was going to be available for me to eat.  Diets were popping up EVERYWHERE...eat grapefruit, no don't eat grapefruit, only at 800 calories a day, only meat, only carbs, you name it was out there and at a very early age I was dieting.   

How crazy is that?!  I was still a tween and was dieting to "look" like all of the girls in the magazines and on the shows that I watched.  They were all so small and pretty, and here I was a tall, overweight girl, whose nicknames ranged from The Jolly Green Giant to Linebacker.  When all of the other girls were wearing cute little jeans...I was wearing boys jeans...sized "husky".  Which to those of you who don't know what husky means, it's a way to describe boys who are overweight back in the 80s. 

Those were not the happiest days of my life.  I sometimes think of those days and wish that I didn't go through them, but in the end they have made me the person that I am today, and for that I am totally grateful.