The hard part...

Changing all of the habits that I had created over time came very easy at first...why you might ask?  Well, because it was all new to me.  I was working out with a personal trainer, someone that I could be accountable too, and I lost 14 pounds in the first 4 weeks, not too bad for someone who was unable to lose any weight...then all of a sudden...dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNN!!!  The newness of it all started to wear off, and I wasn't doing was I was supposed to.  My trainer would email me "send me your food journals, I haven't received your food journals...etc., etc., etc..." and this went on for a while because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing and I was ashamed of that.  Then I would get all excited about it again and go full force until I hit another mental road block.  I didn't know what to do.  All of these emotions started to come up for me and I just started eating more...I managed to lose about 44 pounds in 6 months, but after I stopped working with her I gained back all but 23 of that.  I didn't want to go back, but I didn't know how to move forward. 

I would get on my own kicks...working out and eating right...I got up to 51 pounds lost, only to gain most of it back...then I got up to 60 pounds lost, only to gain back half of that.  This went on from January 2008 - when I first started working with my trainer - until August 2009.  I was always so crushed when the weight started to return...and then would sink into the whole "I guess this is my destiny...to be morbidly obese for the rest of my life..." ~sigh~ 

Then in August 2009 things started to change for me...a FULL lifestyle change was in the making.  I quit smoking and drinking and started exercising and eating right.  I still started to realize my own self-worth and continued to make the necessary changes to make the lifestyle change.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was really on a path of true self discovery.  I didn't know the person that I could be or am today was going to emerge.  I just figured that losing weight would have brought me the happiness that I so longed for. 

What brought me happiness was working on myself from the inside out.  And today being able to look at myself in the mirror with love and compassion have made this journey totally worth it.  A little over a year ago I couldn't do that, but today I can!  A wonderful friend of mine gave me a quote that reads "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance" ~Oscar Wilde~  It is so true...so true...